Monday, January 25, 2010

AVATAR: The abridged version

Heh heh, this is very funny. I got this from a friend in Korea (Cheers T!). I thought its well worth sharing here since I am obviously a fan of the movie. Never hurts to have a good laugh over something that you really geek out on, does it?


Avatar: The Abridged Script

By Rod | Jan 14th, 2010 | 87 Comments | Movie:
Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias F√ľnke's head.


FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.
PILOT
Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Pandora? No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.
SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber. Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name. Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?

INT. MILITARY BASE – PANDORA
SAM wheels his 145-YEAR-OLD WHEELCHAIR into a briefing room to hear a speech by STEPHEN LANG.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, Duke Nukem Forever really does get released in the future!
STEPHEN LANG
No, I’m the film’s bullheaded tough guy. Welcome to Pandora. There’s not enough oxygen here to breathe, though it’s worth mentioning there is enough oxygen for totally awesome explosions.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Is the gravity at least the same?
STEPHEN LANG
Actually, we’ll be constantly mentioning the lower gravity here, but it will somehow have absolutely no effect on anyone.
SAM meets SIGOURNEY WEAVER and JOEL MOORE.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
I hate you because you’re a marine, and marines are stupid. Though I will turn out to be wrong about you, I will be correct about all other members of the military. Fuck the troops.
JOEL MOORE
Let’s get you logged into your Avatar 3D IMAX Experience.
SAM WORTHINGTON
So what are these things? They look like fucking Night Elves. Is World of Warcraft still around in the future?
JOEL MOORE
Actually yes, but you get your epic mount at level 3 now. Anyway, these are avatars. They are grown by combining the DNA of the Pandora natives with human DNA, but somehow they come out genetically identical to the natives.
SAM mentally links to BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I can feel my legs again! That makes it completely worth how utterly ridiculous I look!
BLUE JOEL MOORE
Be careful with it, Sam. James Cameron spent millions of dollars to develop the advanced facial capture technology it needs.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Cameron spent millions to develop advanced facial capture technology then strapped it to a guy whose face shows no expression?
BLUE JOEL MOORE
In spite of his role in fucking up the Terminator franchise, no less. Guy’s a saint.
EXT. JUNGLE – PANDORA
The BLUE CAT GROUP travels into the JUNGLE to HUG TREES AND SHIT.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Look Joel, this plant is exactly the same as it was yesterday! Research! Science! Breakthroughs!
BLUE JOEL MOORE
Alright Sam, just keep guard while we do some science. Keep your eyes open; this is a fantastical, far-away land, which means that the organisms are all not quite the same as organisms on earth.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I have a not-quite-rhinocerous staring at me. And now a not-quite-panther is chasing me.
BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Run! Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5!
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
(running)
Why the hell did they give me a gun if it can’t do anything?
SAM gets separated from JOEL and SIGOURNEY.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
We’d better head back to base before it gets dark. There’s no way to locate Sam now.
BLUE JOEL MOORE
No way to locate him? We spent billions of dollars growing these things and didn’t bother giving them a GPS or something? I have a fucking GPS in my running shoes. How does the “jacking in” process work if we can’t locate the fucking things?
Meanwhile SAM wanders deeper into the jungle. As night falls, the plants start to emit a neon glow.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Oh fuck, I think I wandered into a Joel Schumacher movie. Someone, get me out of here!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
(subtitled)
You should not be here. Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font? Fuck it, I’ll speak English.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Take me to your tribe leader. I need to become a member of your people.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Absolutely not.
(pause)
Alright.
SAM and ZOE go to HOMETREE and meet ZOE’S FATHER, WES STUDI.
BLUE WES STUDI
Welcome to my village, Sam Worthington. I am Wes, a Cherokee actor. You’ve already met my Latina daughter Zoe, and this is my wife, CCH Pounder, a black actresses. Over here is Laz Alonso, who hates you.
BLUE LAZ ALONSO
I am also played by a black actor.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Wow, nice to know the casting session was just as awkwardly racist as the rest of the movie. Are we going to do the same shit as Pocahontas, The Last Samurai, Ferngully, and Dances with Wolves?
BLUE WES STUDI
Ooh, I was in that last one! Anyway, Zoe will train you to become one of us and eventually the best of us.
BLUE LAZ ALONSO
What?! I am blue with rage!
ZOE takes SAM through PANDORA.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
We Na’vi are one with nature. We reject your culture’s love of technology and instead we appreciate the harmony and beauty of the world.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
I sure am glad computer technology has gotten sophisticated enough that James Cameron could make his $230 million 3D IMAX movie about rejecting technology! I think I understand: technology bad, nature good!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Exactly! Not counting the technology that cryogenically froze you, transported you to this planet, sustains your oxygen supply, or allows you to wirelessly link into an avatar, of course.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Of course.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Now, see the winged animals behind me?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Yes. Do we appreciate the beauty and majesty of these grand creatures?
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Huh? No, we enslave them. Plug your ponytail into one to take control of it’s mind. Fuck you, blue pterodactyl!
SAM and ZOE fly around for a while so that the AUDIENCE MEMBERS WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE 3D GLASSES feel they got their money’s worth.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
What the fuck? Floating mountains? How did “floating mountains” make it all the way from script to storyboard to rendering without anyone asking how mountains can float while people just walk around?
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
The best part is that the floating mountains have waterfalls. Where is the water coming from?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, you’re right! I think I’m in love with you!
SAM and ZOE have sex.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Oops, is it gay if the braids touch?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
We’d better cut to something else before the audience members realize they are watching giant blue kitty cats fuck.
Meanwhile…
INT. MILITARY BASE
GIOVANNI RIBISI is talking to STEPHEN LANG.
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Hang on while I putt this ball into this mug for the 3D crowd. Alright now, I think it may be time to blow up Hometree.
STEPHEN LANG
I growl with approval.
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
You can’t! Don’t you understand how amazing these trees are? Each tree has ten to the fourth connections to the trees around it!
JOEL MOORE
That’s almost ten-thousand connections!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Listen, I don’t care about trees. I’m here to mine Unobtanium! Mwa ha ha!
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
“Unobtanium”? Really? May as well have just gone with “MacGuffinium”.
GIOVANNI orders HOMETREE destroyed but BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON tries to stop it.
STEPHEN LANG
Hey, zoom in on that blue guy. Enhance!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Oh, did you just say “enhance” while looking at a paused video? I think I just got Movie Cliche Bingo!
STEPHEN storms into the AVATAR LINK ROOM to unplug SAM WORTHINGTON.
JOEL MOORE
No, don’t! Unplugging an avatar is extremely dangerous!
STEPHEN LANG
And yet we’re going to do it like ten times in the movie without consequence!
STEPHEN unplugs SAM then locks him, JOEL, and SIGOURNEY in a cell. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ breaks them out.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
Stephen just blew the fuck out of Hometree. I disobeyed a direct order and left, but I guess that’s alright in the future because I’m not locked in there with you. Let’s go fly the mobile avatar link station into the jungle somewhere.
SAM WORTHINGTON
But how will that work, without any connections to anything of any kind, including a power source?
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
ALL THINGS IN JAMES CAMERON’S DREAMS ARE POSSIBLE IN THE FUTURE!
SAM links back up with BLUE SAM and captures THE ONLY THING ON THE PLANET THAT ISN’T BLUE OR GREEN.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Somehow, I was the first guy to ever think of jumping onto the red flying pterodactyl from above. So that made me the king or something, and I went around gathering natives all around the planet to help defend against the next attack.
STEPHEN LANG
Giovanni, someone is gathering Na’vi together to defend the Tree of Souls. They’ve gone from ten to the second to over ten to the third Na’vi!
GIOVANNI RIBISI
Hmm. What would Paul Reiser from Aliens do? I guess, murder everyone.
STEPHEN assembles a team to bomb the TREE OF SOULS. BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON leads a counterattack. Even MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ helps!
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ
You’re not the only one with a gun, bitch.
(dies)
Okay now you are, bitch.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON takes down the ship carrying the bomb, causing it to detonate a few yards from the original target and therefore doing NO DAMAGE. STEPHEN LANG enters a BATTLEMECH and jumps to the surface.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
A battlemech? Really?
STEPHEN LANG
James Cameron is convinced every movie would be better with battlemechs. To be fair, he’s probably right.
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Huh. Well, there’s only one thing in the world that could possibly make a battle between an 8-foot-tall smurf and a giant mech any more ridiculous.
STEPHEN LANG
A knife fight.
STEPHEN and SAM fight. Eventually, SAM wins! And some 3D ARROWS jump out at the AUDIENCE but in a totally immersive and not-at-all gimmicky way!
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Sam, we did it! Why aren’t you more excited?
BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON
Well, I’m confused. I can’t figure out why the internet is so in love with this movie. It’s just another three-hour James Cameron blockbuster that uses an absurdly cliche plot full of painfully corny dialogue to hold together what is merely a showcase for stunning special effects.
BLUE ZOE SALDANA
Simple. People on the internet can’t dress up as characters from Titanic. Half the internet is Furries, dude.
END

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Just a hunch...

Here's a prediction that probably will be fulfilled. The only real question is how much longer it will take to achieve.

That, drum roll please...

AVATAR WILL PASS THE $2 BILLION DOLLAR MARK!

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/alltime/world/

Time will tell...


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The NOUGHTIES: PT 2. my top 10 favorites

OK, so here's my top 10 favourite movies from this last decade. It was both easy and hard at the same time to get it narrowed to this select few. Let me explain properly...

Since I first wrote the list of my favourites, I've been having the usual internal debate about the merit of even having it categorized into a 'top' list. I mean, its all rather arbitrary isn't it? Some of you may not agree with some of my choices (Esp the 'top' 10!), but that's the risk any writer takes. In committing any words down for anybody to read, you will invariably take a position on whether or not you like a film or not. I've tried to be  fundamentally different by not reviewing stuff I DON'T LIKE! Life is too short to waste on crap movies, so I will always stick to films that make a positive impression on me. And try to convince you out there as to just why you should have a look as well.

My specific criteria for the top 10? two main points. First, did it create an emotional connection for me? And secondly, would I watch it again ? (Or even buy it to have always available!). With these two things in mind, here we go. My personal top 10 favourites from 2000-2009!

10: LORD OF THE RINGS-THE TRILOGY.



Am I cheating when I say that I view all three movies as one (Very) long story? Nah, not at all. This magnificent trilogy was monumental for so many reasons, but one particular thing stood out. It was bloody good!!! An epic achievement for all concerned, it created a new dynasty. The Jackson era may have slightly hiccuped with anything produced after this, but he will always have this fantastic effort associated with his name. Go and revisit it again to refresh your memory of its greatness...

9: DEPARTURES



One of the key factors for my enjoyment of any movie I view is the environment I watch it in. This does make a difference. The other key factor for me, is whatever may be happening in your life at that point in time. That will most certainly affect your viewpoint on that movie your viewing. With those two key factors in mind, this film struck a huge chord with me. Graceful, poetic, sensitive, charming, heartwarming, heartbreaking, believable. Just a few words to describe this majestic movie. Do not miss it under any circumstance! Your life will be the better for it.

8: DONNIE DARKO



Richard Kelly's debut is like no other film. Completely fresh & original, this complex movie augured well for his future films, alas "Southland tales" suffered from the curse of the 'follow-up album' blues that derail so many. Still, the next one ("The Box") promises a return to form...

7: AMELIE




This first international glimpse of a star in the making (The pixie-ish Audrey Tatou), utterly charmed us from the very first scene, till the last. A dazzling visual wonder, the story also captured your heart - without much challenge. One of the best 'feel-good' movies ever!

6: GRIZZLY MAN



Werner Herzog is the man to go to. That is, if you want to really get behind the mindset of the various people that appear in his movies. His approach is compelling to say the least. It also helps to have great subject matter. That, Timothy Treadwell provides by the bucket-load in this riveting train-wreck of a doco which makes it, quite simply, unmissable!

5: O BROTHER, 
      WHERE ART THOU?




Homer's 'Odyssey' as re-imagined by Joel & Ethan Coen is both George Clooney's finest comedy - and my favourite Coen Bros movie from this decade. From the superb support work from John Turturro, Tim Blake Nelson, John Goodman (Amongst many other fine character actors), to the gorgeous camera work from long time associate Roger Deakins, to the seminal soundtrack that helped kick-start my love affair with Americana music, this is one road trip that is a sheer joy to watch. Again and again...

4: THE RETURN (2003-RUSSIA) 


Soviet Director Andrey Zvyagintsev's debut marked him out as a possible heir to the throne of Tarkovsky with this stunningly powerful film. The magnificent camerawork & the brooding score set up a rich canvas for the actors to display their talents with utter distinction. Zvyagintsev's follow-up, 2007's "The Banishment" is another movie worthy of your time as well.

3: ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW



Miranda July's debut movie won a special prize at Sundance for 'Originality of Vision'. It clearly, was absolutely deserved. I knew that after only viewing ten minutes of this masterpiece, that it was going to be a movie that I would love for the rest of my life. Completely unique from start to finish, this is a movie that is simply unforgettable. MACARONI!

2: ALMOST FAMOUS



This was my number 1 - Until another certain movie appeared at the end of 2009. But, it still has a major place in my heart as my favourite Rock 'N Roll movie of all-time. Director Cameron Crowe's autobiographical tale of life on the road with bands in the 1970's was a blast from start to finish. The combination of the great ensemble cast (Kate Hudson in particular!), evocative storytelling, and a cool 70's drenched soundtrack made this film irresistible for me.

And thus, my personal favourite...

1: AVATAR



If you know me in person, then this is no great surprise. Let me digress to you anyhow.  It has been a very interesting time since Avatar was first released to the world. In the 34 days since I first viewed this masterpiece (and I've seen it 3 times so far...), a lot has happened in between then and now. Critical reaction has been (unsurprisingly!) pretty much polarised (Although more for, than against), its now eeking closer to the number one spot on the chart that matters the most for Hollywood- the Box office http://www.boxofficemojo.com/alltime/world/, and just today, its got a Golden Globe for best director - and best picture. And it might just get a nod in the Oscar direction as well.

Avatar, is quite simply, the reason to remind us of the pure joy of going to watch a movie on the big screen. It is an experience like no other. Avatar is something that is, for me, close to cinematic perfection. All the inane criticism from many about the supposed poor storyline is just lazy in my eyes. What did you expect? 3 hours of Shakespearean dialogue? Get real, its entertainment, entertainment on a scale the likes of which we've never seen before. Is it the future of  movies? Well, the technological advances Cameron has made are going to be utilized by other directors, but any movie worth its salt has to have a story that resonates with people. Clearly, after earning $1.6 billion to date, it has connected with many. How many of them had a gun to their head, demanding that they must go and watch this? Probably zero. And, like the current number one Titanic, they enjoyed the experience, enough to either recommend it to others-or maybe they went to see it again. Or both! Did I mention I've seen it 3 times already? Heh heh...

The best part about its financial success means one thing. That James Cameron (And more importantly, his studio backers) will now have no excuse to not make parts 2 & 3 of his planned trilogy. Apart from James Cameron, I'd say the other really happy people associated with Avatar are the shareholders. Money is in the bank. Unless Roland Emmerich is right about a future date. But, that was only a movie, wasn't it...